Pamela Buchmeyer 2016-11-24 11:51:00
The Judge’s Daughter: Tie a Bow On It (Goofy Gifts for Jolly Lawyers) Last year I received an incredible Hanukkah present, a menorah shaped like Lady Justice. She stands blindfolded holding both sword and scales with nine Hanukkah candles encircling her head. It’s quirky and Jewish, just like me, so of course, I love it. This year I’m hoping for a companion piece, a lawyer’s mezuzah case decorated with a tiny gavel and a law book. You can have one, too, for $45 at judaica.com. “‘Tis the season to grin and bear it,” as my father used to say. The late, great Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer who penned this column for 28 years and also enjoyed a most unusual holiday tradition. Dad installed his Christmas tree upside down. He’d jam the top pointy end into the tree stand and then invert the whole thing on its head. I took it for a metaphor. Ornaments dangling precariously while Dad just sat there grinning and sipping eggnog. So what do you get the legal professional who has everything—including a bad attitude? Key rings and coffee mugs and lumps of coal are all too boring. I asked around, talking to a number of jolly lawyers who shared stories about goofy gifts they’d received in Christmases past. It’s quite a list and I have current ordering information. None of the jolly lawyers wished to share their names, presumably from fear of appearing ungrateful. Wishing you, your families, your clients, and your colleagues a holiday season that is merry and bright. Ho, ho, ho! Please send gifts of future submissions for this column to me at email@example.com. 1) Lawyer’s Breath Hot Sauce Flagrant in its use of garlic and fine chilies; $5 at honestfoods.com. Chief Shyster, actually attorney Wendell Peters, a Texas native, created the Judicial Flavors food brand. Part of the fun is Peters’ ad copy: “Perfect for the Law Student, this sauce assists with Torts, helps clears up Contract Law, and has been used as a Res Ipsa Loquitur defense numerous times.” Other items in the line include: Award-winning Shyster Barbeque Sauce, Last Will & Testament Finishing Sauce, Contempt of Court Pepper Sauce, and Under the Influence Tomatillo Sauce with “intoxicating flavors” that “you won’t mind failing a field sobriety test for … So, don’t eat [this stuff] and drive.” 2) Whiskey flask hidden inside a volume of the Atlantic Reporter. Handcrafted and the pages actually turn. Six-ounce flask $65, engraving costs extra. See Greenfire Products at etsy.com. To be used in case of an emergency such as a really boring meeting. 3) Monster Maxi-Gavel. Three feet long, perfect for golf puts and jurisprudence. Dad actually left me one of these; I use it for croquet. $165 at forcounsel.com. 4) Art print of a Basset Hound dressed as an English barrister. A canine homage to the well-known 1910 Vanity Fair barristers print series. Ingenious for sure. Ships from England, $28. See LoopyLolly at etsy.com. 5) Glitter wine glass etched “I Object Therefore I Am.” Not a set, just the one, but it does come in a wide variety of colors including neon green and peacock. $29. See ItsOurShangriLa at etsy.com. 6) Collar stays stamped “Overruled” and “Sustained.” The creativity behind some of these items is simply mind-boggling. $18 per set, in brass, bronze, aluminum, or copper. See BardandSmithStudio at etsy.com. 7) “Come Back With a Warrant” doormat. Another version reads: “A Lawyer and a Normal Person Live Here.” Both $24.95 at forcounsel.com. 8) A barrister rubber ducky. It floats. ₤5.99 at carbolicsmokeball.com, a fun U.K. site named for an infamous product liability case—carbolic acid does not in fact cure influenza. Ships to U.S. They also have barrister wig cufflinks for ₤24. 9) “Squid Pro Quo” art poster. Great for any gift exchange! Twenty squids in sunglasses wriggle across a multicolored background. Multiple color options available. Handmade, professionally printed on thick matte stock paper. $10. See BentonParkPrints at etsy.com. 10) The law suit coat hanger. Suitable (pun) for all law firm closets and judicial cloakrooms. The words “law suit” appear in scrolling aluminum wire below a sturdy wooden frame, or the honoree’s name can be spelled out individually. Perfect spot to hang one’s coat. $28.95. Wire and wood both available in multiple colors. See HopeCustomCreations at etsy.com. 11) “You’ve Been Served” engraved pie platter. Includes image of the scales of justice. Perfect for that legal host or hostess who also enjoys both serving up justice and baked goods. Oven, microwave, and dishwasher safe. Two sizes, regular or deep dish. $19.99. See GoneGirly at etsy.com. 12) Music albums: Chicken Suit for the Lawyer’s Soul. Attorney Bob Noone, known as the “Perry Mason of Parody,” has cut two albums. Available at Barnes & Noble, iTunes, amazon.com, and at his site lawsongs.com. $12 CD, $9 MP3 download. Sing along to such epics as: “Fifty Ways to Get Thru Law School,” “My Lawyer’s [Boyfriend’s] Back,” “My Will [My Gal],” “Cover of the A.B.A. [Rolling Stone],” … plus the hit, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk & Sue?” Happy Holi-daze! JUDGE JERRY L. BUCHMEYER (1933-2009) grew up in Overton and served as a federal judge in the Northern District of Texas after being nominated in 1979 by President Jimmy Carter. His monthly legal humor column ran in the Texas Bar Journal from 1980 to 2008. • THINK YOU’RE FUNNY TOO? PROVE IT! Send your humorous articles of 600 words to firstname.lastname@example.org. Send deposition and trial excerpts to email@example.com. PAMELA BUCHMEYER is an attorney and award-winning writer who lives in Dallas and Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Her work-in-progress is a humorous murder mystery, The Judge’s Daughter. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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